It’s either someone dies or leaves. Basically, love is pain
My story is a classic boy meets girl, girl meets boy, chatted it was epic. Turned instant best friends. Just like any other love story I fell
A one sided love story. I was ruled by my emotions, I reasoned with my head. So I fell hard, fast, head over hills in love with my best friend without knowing when or how it happened.
I remember the very first time he held my hand, it was like I had found something I didn’t know i was looking for… It was like magic. All I could think about was how the light shines from his eyes, like everything he sees is beauty. I remember thinking once that he is a goldmine and everything he touches turns gold.
And there was my heart singing out his name, pinning and hoping for even the slightest sign that he would see me as more than just the best friend he hangs out or confide in. More more than anything else, I wanted to be more, to mean more to him. I wanted him to see me the way I see him.
And so I continued with the charade. The girl of his dreams masquarading as his best friend; hoping against hope that he will come to see how the light shines from my eyes, like everything I see is beauty.
A part of me knew it was hopeless, loving him like that; opening myself to the possibility of been broken, hurt and yet I couldn’t unlove him. I wanted desperately to be free of how I feel but like most fools in love, I let my heart do all the thinking. And just like most fools in love, all my dreams, plans, desires have all been rendered obsolote.
I knew this when he invited me out for a chat. It wasn’t the usual hangouts that we do and I took that as a sign that the moment I’ve been waiting for has finally come. All those late night chats on whatsapp would all be worth it. Surely he too must have felt the spark between, so I thought. Never have I ever been more wrong.
‘I’m getting married’ he said and ‘I need my best friend’. Apparently, he has been seeing this girl for a while now. He didn’t say a thing because he wasn’t sure how his best friend would take the news. And he wanted me to know it changes nothing. I wanted to be happy for him but I just froze, unable to utter a word.
We stood in close proximity, jusr staring at each other; too afraid to utter a word. He wanted me to say something, anything, scream if I need to but nothing… The silence was deafening, I have never heard anything so loud; you could have heard a pin drop. I was lost for words: nothing was said but it was the kind of silence that said everything.
To him nothing has changed but for me, everything has changed. And I knew that whatever connection I thought we shared, whatever spark I felt was all in my head and with that realization came the strength I never knew I had.
‘I release you, I set you free, I evict you from my heart, head…’ I heard myself say. I could see the shock, turned confusion in his eyes. All these years he didn’t know how I felt about him and he had no clue how to respond to what I just said. I could tell he wanted to say something but he was too dazed to utter a word. ‘Go live your life’ I said ‘and for goodness sake be happy, that’s all I have ever wanted’. And then I made the only move left to make-walk away.
As I did, I can’t help but think about my life, decisions I made and didn’t make and I realized that if I had it to do all over again, I will do it the same: I will love him the same. No regrets.
I loved and I lost but in all of it, I finally learnt what it means to truly love someone and for me: True love is letting those you love be happy even if it means you are not a part of that happiness or the cause of it, true love is sacrifice: putting their happiness, their interest above yours.
And with that in mind, I walked away gracefully even though my heart was breaking in ways I couldn’t possibly imagine. I believe I heard him say ‘please, don’t go; lets talk about this’. And though I wasn’t so far from his reach but I was already gone and he knew it.
To the one who got away: If you are out there and I you ever get to read this, cheers to what we could have been, it would have been intense and beautiful, cheers to another life time. If I ever lived again, I will find you.